Tools for Getting Emotionally Unstuck
Helping you to move from being captured by strong emotions into productive action
Our emotions are fleeting, however when something is unsettling or upsetting, a stress reaction kicks in and emotions get stuck in a high pitch, whether it’s anger, frustration, anxiety or humiliation. It’s an emotional highjack and immediate intervention is needed.
Take a moment and think about what your go-to remedy is when you are caught in an emotional upheaval. How effective is it in calming you down or cheering you up? Likely, you’ve found some good ways to regulate your emotions, but they don’t work in all situations.
Clients come to coaching sessions in all sorts of mental and emotional states. Just being there for them in a non-judgmental, empathetic way, listening to them express whatever's going on, and saying very little other than asking clarifying questions, and using validating statements, they come back to equilibrium. Sometimes I question myself, whether I’m doing enough – and if I’m able to resist the urge to jump in and solve for long enough – they come to their own resolution.
Psychologist Ethan Kross says in his new book, Chatter, that having an emotional advisor you can call on, whether it be a coach, or an understanding, empathetic friend who is a good and validating listener is a helpful strategy you can use to shift yourself out of turmoil.
On a recent episode of the Hidden Brain podcast, "How to Harness Your Feelings," Ethan Kross discussed several tools that help with emotional regulation. One of them, called distanced self talk, you talk to yourself, using your name and pronouns you/he/she/they. I remembered doing this at different times after being triggered by something that made me emotionally distraught. I would begin encouraging myself in soothing tones, addressing myself with my childhood nickname and soon I would settle down. Turns out, talking to yourself in second-person gives you enough separation from your emotions to see the situation more rationally and not be quite as personally invested. It's a tool to use for encouragement, calming fear, and giving yourself a pep talk, just like you would for someone you cared about. You can be your own coach.
Coincidentally, right after hearing the podcast, a client needed a quick intervention when important negotiations hit a roadblock during a meeting they thought was to finalize a huge deal. I was able to listen, be supportive and give a different perspective.
I also passed on what I learned about distanced self talk as a second tool, if needed, with a twist that Kross suggested: talk to yourself in a second language to give even further distance. Think about how cursing doesn’t seem as bad in another language. My grandmother used to say oof da! (Uff da), which I was told meant oh-****!, which my friends and I found hilarious.
Having a wide repertoire of ways to shift yourself gives you emotional mastery. Here are several that were highlighted in the podcast:
Take a walk in nature (my favorite go-to).
Play music to alter your mood, or to bring you deeper into feelings.
Use your other senses too, i.e. smells that elicit pleasant memories.
Strategic avoidance: do something else, change location, focus on a project.
Engage in comforting routines.
Reframe
Create order around you: clean your desk.
Expressive writing.
Distanced self talk.
Express–talk about it with an emotional advisor.
You can use these in combinations or layer them, from light to heavy intervention. If you’re still stuck, try another.
Listen to the Hidden Brain podcast: How to Harness Your Feelings
There is a correlation here with the 3 centers of the Enneagram, Head, Body, Heart as well as the coping style triads. These tools are associated with each center and to be more well rounded, you can consciously adopt practices that are different from your dominant center and your go-to choices.
To review, the stress reaction for the Harmonic Triads are:
Positive outlook triad (7, 2, 9) uses reframe to gloss over problems; hoist them onto others to become a rescuer, or to pretend they don’t exist by being sunny, angelic, or agreeable.
Expressive Triad (4, 6, 8) desiring to be felt and heard; safe and certain; or in control verbalizes their stress in an emotive; accusatory or confrontational manner.
Competency Triad (1, 3, 5) uses logic to bypass stressful feelings by becoming measured and disciplined; expedient and driven or thoughtful and focused.
What is an unconscious coping strategy will become healthier and more effective when chosen as a deliberate response that uses head, heart and body in a balanced and present way.
Below are a some resources of my previous articles that delve into coping mechanisms and emotional regulation:
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I got a lot out of this short text. Practical "easy to use " tools to help in times of emotional stress- I use ALL of these. It was a great reminder ! & I shared with a friend who could benefit from ways to cope right now. Thx for your always uplifting words.