Resolving Conflict Using the Enneagram
How Assertive, Balancing and Withdrawn Strategies Shape—and Shift—Conflict
One of the big areas that determines an outstanding leader is how they handle conflict–inner conflict, conflict between themselves and others and mediating conflict between others.
Opening the map of the Enneagram, which is the only system I’ve found that maps a path to growth, there are two areas or triads that show you where conflict comes from, and also the way to resolution.
The first set of triads group types with similar energy regulation, and this is the focus of this article: how you utilize your energy when things aren’t going your way. These are called Hornevian triads, after Karen Horney, a visionary psychologist who reframed human behavior as relational strategy rather than instinctual reaction—that helps us understand energy, conflict, and growth. She identified three energy moves when people experience anxiety or threat, and when they don’t get what they want:
Enneagram 3, 7, and 8 move actively and assertively going after what they want, moving against others—asserting my way, my idea. This strategy escalates conflict, and these types will get more resolution when they pause, listen and try to understand other perspectives, and the adverse impact they have on them.
Types 1, 2, 6 balance their energy between active/assertive and receptive/withdrawing, and they move towards people to work out a way to get what they need and seek agreement. In doing this, however, they may defer to others rather than speak their truth, being compliant. Growth is in self- trust, developing confidence to speak directly and ask for what you need.
Types 4, 5, and 9 withdraw their energy to figure out how they can get what they’re after on their own, taking care of their own needs by physically leaving or removing themselves internally. By avoiding or delaying dealing with it, they can appear unengaged. Staying present and participating lets others know you care and lets you know you do matter and have influence..
There is potential conflict when people with differing energy strategies are not satisfied with the status quo and try to change it, running up against each other. One is being demanding, while another is not saying anything or leaves the room, and there’s someone else trying to make everyone happy. In this scenario–no one is happy! Sound familiar?
This situation will drive you crazy and lead to nowhere good, leaving everyone dissatisfied and probably angry. There is a way out, and that’s to foster self-awareness, empathy for others and openness to differences. If you are stuck in type structure, or ego, you are only considering yourself and believe your way is the right way. You aren’t aware that you are either:
pushing, becoming overbearing
placating, becoming manipulative
running away, becoming unavailable
None of these moves (towards, against, away) solve the conflict if they are misused like the above examples. It just discounts others in the rush to have it your way. The way to step out of reactionary behavior into conscious action and true agency is to catch yourself in the act, soften the reactivity by observing what’s needed and changing your energy in some way. Refer to my past article on emotional regulation for ways to re-center yourself and get unstuck.
When you are diffusing conflict in a group, the way you show up will fuel the fire or calm it down, depending if you choose the right energy move. Sometimes you have to step in and put a stop to it. Other times you might sit on the sidelines, watching and thinking about a solution. At the right time, bringing sides together, listening to everyone and encouraging a compromise is the best thing to do.
No matter what your default conflict posture is, the Enneagram can help identify it, loosen its hold on you, and show you how to embody full presence, so you can respond in a way that honors yourself, the other person and the issue at hand.
Use the Enneagram for your own growth or to create a more peaceful and harmonious environment where people and innovation thrive. Contact me here, message me on Substack, or just reply to this email if you’re a subscriber.
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